How do you do?

A couple of things happened today while I was at work. The first was that a friend of mine told me that I should blog because I’m funny and he likes to read funny blogs. I figured I would give it a try (again). As for the funny part, I can’t make any promises. The other thing was that while sitting at work today, I was waiting for my boss to get off the phone, and I began messing with my stapler. I noticed that on the bottom, where the staples are loaded, was a message engraved from the manufacturer: “Read user manual before stapling.”

How stupid do they think we are? It is a stapler. Sure, this particular stapler is a little bit difficult to load (the instructions are given in the form of a picture of how to load the staples into the empty apparatus). And sure, there is some risk involved with using a stapler, if you’re clumsy/stupid/numb enough leave part of your body underneath the part where the staples come out. And, working in a law office, I know that anyone will try to sue anyone else over anything. (A large percentage of my work day consists of me telling local crazies ‘No, you don’t really have a case. You can’t sue someone because they don’t like you. Discrimination is based on a specific factor, not just attitude.) So, in a time when we have to put “Caution! Hot!” labels on coffee cups, I could even rationalize a warning label on a stapler.

But a user manual? All of my life I’ve only seen two real styles of stapler: Automatic, and Manual. Furthermore, both of these are simple enough that even toddlers use them with ease (although they must of course be supervised. Toddlers like to put things in their mouths, and as far as I know, tongue piercings on infants are not as popular as ear piercings on infants).

For manual staplers, the only basic process I’ve seen is two steps:
1. Put your papers into the opening on the stapler.
2. Press down.

And automatic staplers are even simpler, with just the first step required and the magical stapling forces taking care of the rest. Either the stapling companies think that everyone in modern civilization is hopelessly idiotic, or these alleged user manuals are the biggest waste of paper ever.

Let’s list other things that don’t really need but could conceivably have a user manual!

Drinking glasses
(1. Keeping open end up, pour your desired beverage into the glass. 2. Bring the glass to your mouth, resting your bottom lip on the closest side of the glass. 3. Tilt the glass up so that the beverage flows into your mouth. Caution: Do not attempt to drink with your mouth on the far side of the glass. Doing so could result in wetness, stickiness, or injury.)

Facial tissues
(1. Pull a tissue from the box 2. Hold the tissue to your nose. 3. Exhale strongly. Note: For better results, try pinching one nostril shut and blowing out of the other. Then repeat, holding the alternate nostril closed.)

Shoes
(1. Slide your foot into the cavity of the shoe. If necessary, loosen any laces. 2. Stand, walk, or run on shoe. If shoe has laces, pull them to a comfortable tightness and tie the laces in a bow.

Feel free to leave more suggestions!