Cat

People think cats are assholes, but I don’t think they ever stopped to consider that maybe we’re just reacting to the way we get treated in the first place.  Nobody goes bad without a reason.

Take me for example, when I was a young mangy stray, I got taken in by a family of people.  See what I did there: taken in.  Double meaning, that! They really liked me at first. They saw me in an alley, playing with the small one’s bike handle tassels.  Thought I was so cute, they did. “Oh, look at her play with the tassels!” they said. “She’s such a cute playful thing, swatting the tassels like they’re alive!”  They went and got some tinned tuna out of the pantry and put it on a dish for me.  I thought to myself, this is a sweet gig! I find fun things to play with, bring it to these big, weird primates, demonstrate how it’s fun, and they reward me with food and attention!

And it was a sweet gig.  The people let me keep my freedom to roam the neighborhood, and they fed me and played with me on a regular basis.  And in return, I’d bring them presents, souvenirs from my adventures.  The small one, especially, seemed to like these gifts. I’d disappear for a couple of days and come back with butterfly in my mouth, or colorful piece of cloth that I’d found.  The small one would pick up the presents I’d leave by the back door and tell me how much she liked them.  One time when it was raining, I darted inside to warm up and dry off and before the people caught me, I found a box of my presents under the small one’s bed.  The medium one grabbed me with a towel and put me in the garage before I could look too closely, but it was enough: I knew this thing was working out. It was a mutually beneficial relationship.  I bring presents and joy, they give food, shelter and attention. What more could I ask?  Oh, how about not to have the rug pulled out from under me!

Time passed and the seasons did their thing.  The big one and the medium one continued to feed me and play with me, and they seemed to find some enjoyment from the little gifts I brought back from my adventures. The small one was getting bigger, but she still played with me too, though she wasn’t around as much.  One afternoon, when I was napping in a patch of sunshine, she told me she had shown some of my presents to a friend who was impressed with the uniqueness of the items, the buttons and stones and ribbons. She confided that there were a few presents I had brought that she hadn’t kept, but she had appreciated them all the same.  That frog I had caught? What a shock! She’d had quite a laugh from that one, she had!

She also talked about other presents that the other people had shared with her. I don’t know where they came from, but she said they had a lizard inside. She called it Brennan. She and the big one liked the lizard. It ate crickets and made them chuckle with its antics. I wished I could share their laughter over the lizard, but I think it eventually died and I never got to see what was so funny.  They didn’t seem to care that I might like to play with the lizard.  I began to wonder if my presents weren’t good enough to earn time to play with the lizard. They weren’t playing with me so much anymore. I would have to step up my game.

On my next adventure I brought back a mouse.  I had heard them wondering that I had kept mice away from the house and thought maybe it was a hint. I presented my prize at the door and sat proudly above it until the people came and saw. They laughed kindly and said they liked it, I was a good cat for catching the mouse. They weren’t going to keep it, but they were glad I caught it and could tell why I liked catching mice. Mice must be just the perfect thing for me, a cat, to catch. I must have had such a good time catching it and playing with it! And you know what? I had had a great time catching and playing with that mouse before I brought it to them.  It didn’t matter that they weren’t going to keep it, they liked that I had caught it and shown them.  Maybe this would get them to play with me again.

But it didn’t, really.  I would have to do better. Maybe, since they now preferred lizards, I should bring them one of those! Yes, that would do it! They missed Brennan, so I’d bring them a new lizard, and since I brought it, maybe they’d let me play with it, too! We could all play with the lizard together, and things would go back to the way they were!  I set off to find a lizard.

Now, I was smart enough to know that they wouldn’t want a dead lizard. No, I didn’t think they liked dead things too much, and surely Brennan was not dead when they talked and laughed about him.  The people liked different things from what I liked, but I was pretty sure they wouldn’t want to play with a dead lizard.  I’d bring them a live one.

I spent the next couple days stalking through the neighbors’ gardens, chasing the scurrying little dinosaurs through the dying plants, getting themselves ready for winter’s hibernation. After a few attempts, I caught one. (I had had several close calls, but the damn things kept letting their tails fall off, and what was the fun in that?! But I finally got one around the front and middle, so it was still burdened with its glorious tail when I brought it back to the people.  As before, I waited by the back door, proud and triumphant, with my souvenir.  This lizard was fantastic. I loved it, and I knew they would love it. As I waited by the door, I heard the people coming. They had all been on a walk looking at the trees and talking about how excited they were that soon the leaves would change color. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but they were excited.  I was excited too. I ran to meet them, the wriggling lizard gently but firmly held between my teeth.

At first, before I got to them, they smiled, pleased that I was running to meet them; what a happy reunion after their walk and my hunt!  They turned and waited for me, watching me prance up like a proud, stupid labrador.  They smiled. I smiled. I parked myself in front of the people as they said “What have you found, kitty? What did you bring us?”  I triumphantly dropped the lizard (who was terrified, by the way, I guess he didn’t understand that we weren’t planning on killing him. At least, I wasn’t. But I had never figured out what had happened to Brennan, I suppose…) at their feet.  The people gaped at me. They looked at me. They looked at the lizard. They blinked. They shrugged. And they walked on into the house.

Unbelievable! What happened? They used to love when I brought them things! And I knew they liked lizards! This one wasn’t even dead!  Not even a “good kitty!” The bastards!  I’ll admit, I was a little upset over this for a little while. Personally offended. I had put serious thought into this one, and I was sure it would be a great new thing for us to bond over, like the bicycle streamers of old. But nooooo, just a blank expression, a shrug, and nothing! Like they didn’t even know me! The loveable alley cat they had fed and played with for years!  I vowed to myself I wouldn’t bring them any more presents.

But I really am a softie. And even with the embers of anger smoldering inside me, I eased my rage a little when I thought I saw the problem. Over the next couple days, I overheard the people talking about the leaves changing color again, and I guess if I looked closely enough, I could tell that they maybe were a slightly different shade of gray, but mostly they smelled different and I could tell that they’d be loosening from the trees and covering the ground soon. Crunchy leaves were good for playing in but bad for stalking. Too noisy.  I frowned inwardly for a moment, but was drawn from my reverie as the people started bringing things from inside the house to outside the house. They put some gourds outside and little signs in the yard.  And then, lo and behold, skeletons!  Maybe that was the problem! They had wanted a dead lizard after all!

I contemplated my next move, my previous vow to neglect the people out of spite forgotten.  I should bring them something dead. I had underestimated these people! I didn’t think they liked dead things, since they had thrown out my dead mouse, but they were more ferocious than I thought, marking their territory with the carcasses of what I can only presume were their own kills. I didn’t think I could bring down anything as large as the people themselves, but I could find something nearer my own size.  That should impress them.  But what specifically? I surveyed the items they were arranging around their territory.  People shaped skeletons (too big)... Pumpkins (too heavy)... Oh a picture of me! (obviously I’m not going to sacrifice my own kind for these jerks, though)...  A people with a funny pointy head (no, those carry those bristly sticks they swat cats away with)... And then I saw it:  a raven!  Genius! I’d catch one of those big sinister birds and they could decorate with it! We’d be thick as thieves again!

I staked out the neighborhood and found a flock of ravens to stalk. There were a couple that were on the old side but should do just fine. And, like the lizard before, it took me a couple tries, but, damnit, I caught the one of the bigger ravens. When I was sure it was dead and would present nicely to the people, I dragged it back. It was almost as big as I was! But they would have to love it.  They used to always give the best reactions to my surprise presents.  (Except for the lizard. I had to forget about that. Just a fluke, it was. Had to be!) And it had been a while since I had brought the lizard, so this present would sure be a surprise. They had always seemed to like the unpredictability best. When would I be back, what would I bring? They never could tell, and the shock would make them laugh. They would love this raven.

And to add to the surprise, I would take it to the front door this time! Usually I brought presents to the back door, but that was too predictable, and this was a surprise!  A grand surprise!  I sat with my raven on the mat by the door. I could hear the people inside talking about the decorations, about pumpkins and sweaters and leaves.  I thought to myself, I’ve done it this time!  I’d be proud of this present any time of year, but they’ll particularly like it right now!  I grew impatient. I mewed to get their attention.  But still they stayed inside. I had suspected that maybe they couldn’t hear as well as I could, so I mewed louder.  By the time I was almost hoarse, they opened the door, all bundled up in extra clothes to go somewhere. I realized they hadn’t heard me, but I waved that thought aside.  They would still like it.

They didn’t.  They wrinkled up their noses.  They took a step back.  They looked back and forth between me and my raven.  

“Oh, kitty! Why’d you do that?” the big one sneered.

“Eurgh! I just don’t get it!” the small one said, recoiling.

“I’m not even going to touch it.” said the middle one, slightly exasperated.

I tried to explain, “I got this for you! I thought you’d like it! You used to always love the things I showed you! This is exactly the kind of thing I’m supposed to do!  It even goes with the decorations!  You’ve got a fake one over there!”  But I guess they never learned to speak cat because they grabbed a bristly stick that people use to shoo away cats and used it to throw my raven in the trash. Then they stepped around me and went on their way.

At first I was heartbroken.  I thought they loved me, but they rejected me and my contributions.  I couldn’t understand it. What had I done wrong? But that sadness melted away into anger.  I had done my best! And I hadn’t done anything wrong! I had continued to uphold my end of the unspoken contract.  They’re the ones who changed the deal! It wasn’t my fault! It was theirs! How could they do this to me?!

It all became clear to me: cats aren’t born assholes, we’re made into assholes.   My destiny was clear.  My future opened wide with the possibilities of malevolence.  In the spring I would shred their new plants. In the summer I would knock their fruity beverages off the patio table. In the winter I would wait for an approaching snowstorm and poop on top of their cars and let the snow hide the dirty surprise.  In the fall I would hide in the leaves and attack their furry boots as they walked by.  I could roll over as if to ask for tummy scratches and then bite their fingers to bits. If I could sneak my way inside on a regular basis, I could do so much more… so much more…

And that’s why this house is covered in a mountain of spiders. It was a big job, but some asshole had to do it.